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← darkroom
i'm in love with someone and I need some help (long thread)
ok so, a disclaimer: i know this isn't a dating/dating feedback site or whatever and I apologize if I broke any rules of the site or made anyone mad this was in their forum activities tab, but the people on this website seem to always give me good advice with anything I ask, so i'm putting my foot in this water again. Also this is a little long, so try to bear with me if you're interested in helping me out here, or just wanna know my story about my love life lol.
If you want a TLDR, scroll down to the last paragraph.
anyway, i've been talking to a certain girl for 2 years now, as friends. The thing is, i've only seen her as a friend until about a year ago, until I realized, that i actually really like this person. To give a little info about her, she's very shy, but always has a happy + relaxed personality, she's kinda like me in a way, and that's probably the main reason why I'd feel complete with her.
Over time, we bond a lot with our little group of friends, and as close to her as i am already, I really can't tell if she feels the same as me, or if she has any feelings for me. even tho i've known her for so long, it's very hard to read her, i can't ever tell what she's feeling. I'd try passive flirting a bit, but i can never seem to get something a bit over satisfactory from her in terms of how she feels.
She did have a boyfriend in the past, but they broke up a little after a month, so I'm wondering what steps he took to get there, because she's a very complex individual. I have told her how i felt about her once, but this was a long time ago. Her response to this was "I love you and all, and your a pain in the ass sometimes (she's saying this in a passive aggressive tone) but I'm not in the mood or right mind space for a relationship right now." It was kind of a gut punch, but she told me to also take it as a grain of salt, btw I told her this through text, so it wasn't the same had I told her irl, which comes with emphasis, voice, tone, facial expression, etc. So this is what i'm saying about her emotions and feelings being very abstract and hard to read.
Moving on, to the present, I haven't seen her in a very long time, because I had moved to a different city. We had texted a lot from time to time, but that was it for the most part in terms of keeping in touch. I don't really have any other friends that i talk to, so she's pretty special to me in this way.
She invited me to her graduation party about a month before now, and so I agreed to go, and when i tell you, I fell in completely in love with her, it was like how rem felt towards subaru lol, like there was no mistaking it this time, I'm very in love with this person. And i now know what my older people say, when they tell me that liking, and loving someone are two completely different things. I knew I liked her all this time, but this time, it was love, I could feel it in my heart.
I was pretty much the first person to show up at her party, mainly because I came pretty early, not on purpose tho (she gave me the wrong time lmao), but in a way, this was very convenient for me because this meant I could spend a lot of time with her. I had 3 hours of just me and her, and I couldn't have been more happy. I could just feel we were clicking so well, we said our usually banter, laughed a lot, entertained each other, just all-around two people having a good time. And I just wanted to say it so bad, I wanted to pull a miyamura, I wanted to so much, but I just couldn't do it, mainly because I still don't know how she truly feels, or i'm not getting a sign, or a hint. It's kind of ironic in a way, because I see in a lot of anime and tv shows, when guys can't figure out the signs, and they girl is just all like "baka baka baka" lmao.
Anyway, when more people started to show up, our fun together kinda faded away. I had no problem with it tbh, bc it was her party so I knew this was gonna happen at some point, but to my surprise, a small problem emerged, in the form of the uhh, we'll call it a love opponent.
So we go pick up one of her friends, he's also a friend of mine as well, and during like, the entire rest of the party, he's just chatting it up with her like there's no tomorrow, he kept her company for pretty much the rest of the time, and it was pretty obvious he liked her as well. a little background info on this guy, he was a friend of mine in this class we had with my best friend i'm in love with currently, and he was a very funny guy i wont even lie. i actually lost his contact after that school year, so i never really talked to him again since, I also knew he liked her just from the way he acted around her, but I never thought anything of it. But anyway, although i can't understand my best friend's feelings sometimes, I can tell how she feels to others. and I know that she didn't like my best friend like that, that was taking her time during the party, but even still, I was just a bummed out from that. Keep in mind, I did get in the middle of them and talk to both of them, but whenever I was away from her, he would take my seat, or if i wasn't on the dance floor dancing with her, he would do it for me, and it just felt like a love triangle battle, and that's just childish to me, so I just said forget it, he can talk to her as much as he wanted, I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere more than friends, because I know more than anybody.
Besides that, there wasn't much of a problem. and I still had a good time overall. I met some new friends, was acting goofy, dancing, just having fun you know. But then, the main part that just put the cupid arrow straight into my heart.
They had a little photo booth inside the house, and we were using it from time to time, and I realized like later on, that this photo booth was a once in a lifetime thing, and that I won't get to do this any other time. I need to take pictures so I can look back on these memories.
So I told my best friend to take some pictures with me, and she said "sure, let's do it", she was glowing, literally the most beautiful person I've ever seen in that moment. We get to the photo booth, and we're about to make a pose, and she just hugs me so tight, as if she was trying to break my back lmao. And for a split second, I got the most joy-filled, adrenaline rushed feeling, that I've never felt before in my life. It was love, complete, utterly uncontrollable love, and I unconsciously made the biggest smile ever on my face, I was just in shock, and amazed at the realization that, I really really love this girl. I can't live without her. I felt very sad, and lonely before I came to this party, mainly because I don't really talk to many people irl, and she just completely took all those feelings away, and made me feel more happy than I've ever felt before, it made me glad to be alive. I felt so blessed to have such a good best friend, I almost cried.
So now, as we're approaching the end of this very long thread (i'm so sorry to the illiterates. and low attention spanned people) I want nothing more to be with this person until the end of my days, she's literally perfect to me, and I can't see myself living a life without her. And here's where i need help, i know, i'm sorry for making such a long thread just to get to this conclusion, but I had to give a little backstory and exposition so it's more understanding.
-------LAST PARAGRAPH FOR THE TLDR PEOPLE--------
I still live ways from her currently (about an hour and 30 minutes) but my parents said they'd be willing to drive me up and back if I wanted to. (I would drive myself, but i can't get my license yet at the moment :(( ) I also have some events planned in the future, and some days I would want to hang out with her when she's free.
Can I get any advice on what I should I do at this point? I wanna tell her my feelings again, but this time in a better scenario, and where it doesn't feel like it's too overwhelming for her, or to the point to where we stop being friends because of it. I've only ever had one girlfriend in the past, but it was terrible, and she's the one who confessed to me, So i'm not very experienced in this field unfortunately. I really want to be with this person, I just love her so much. Any advice, stories you want to tell me, relatable comments, are all given credit to.
if you read this far, i really appreciate it, i'm sorry for writing so much, i just wanted to vent to the people on here, because I love everyone on this site, it's so peaceful most of the time. hopefully this doesn't break any TOS rules, and if it does, i'll delete the thread, no problems here.
PS: Even if we don't end up being together, or if she ends up not feeling the same as me, I'm completely fine with it. To me, as long as she's happy, I'm happy, and that's all that really matters.
Also sorry, if i made any of the loners sad :sob: If it's any consolation, when I was in the 10th grade, i got rejected in front of the entire school, and then became an introvert, and never made any new friends again...I hope this aids the wound :'
if only I wrote this much when I had essay assignments :'
I really want to be with this person, I just love her so much.
There is your answer.
this
hello hello so I've read everything (though I may have missed some subtleties as I don't write or speak English well).
I'm a "loner" as you say, I don't have much experience either but I think I can tell you what I think. For me you should tell him clearly, why? Because you've already done it once and I think that given the way you feel you could do it. (for example, with the only girl I ever really loved, I only managed to confess to her once, and since then I've never been able to do it again, with others girls, im a little traumatised....to you it seems that this is not the case)
The answer you got was not a closed no, there was even a bit of humour (if I understood correctly), I find that very encouraging! If we add to all this the party from what I read she has been very open with you I think it is now or never...
But how to announce it?
You could try to invite her somewhere and do something you have in common ( a cinema for exemple or something else....).
This is what I advise you to do, now it's up to you to act...(honestly you seem to have courage I think you can do it again)HOWEVER, there is just something that bugs me about your message. You said that without her, before the party, you felt very bad or even suicidal.... So I don't know if I should really advise you, I wouldn't want you to feel very bad after a rejection or even to do the irreparable...
So think carefully before you do anything. But I repeat, I think you have every chance.Good luck comrad
i felt a little suicidal, i don't think i would ever do that tho honestly, because I know there will be times where the days get better. but i do somewhat feel that way sometimes. like i said in the thread tho, i dont mind if we aren't together, as long as she's happy, then i'm happy, so I'm prepared for rejection in this case. Thanks so so much for this tho, this was very helpful, especially with your lack of fluency with english, i really appreciate it :)))
Listen man, I haven't read all of it since it's long as f*ck.
In general it's as the people here above say. You have got to tell her otherwise nothing will get started. Just waiting around for her to tell you is probably not going to happen. In 99/100 percent of the cases the other party is not thinking about entering relationships OR just as nervous as you. So if you want to be with her you're going to have to ask. If she ain't a dick she won't make fun of you. I don't know the girl but the way you describe her she sounds nice and even if you get turned down she won't make a fool out of you.
I could suggest you find a place where the two of you are together alone (and in the case of a meet up) at the end of the day (as you're parting ways) ask whether she would want to date you. If you 2 are alone it will be less embarassing for her and it will put less pressure on you and her both. In the case of a meet up I suggest you do it at the end of the day because it would make the rest of the day less awkward.
More I don't really have to say I guess
@sniepster the 'love guru'
Well... I'm 24 years old so with some love experience. A lot of people on here don't have that much experience I feel and perhaps my experience can help the younger generations.
What I describe above comes from personal experience. When I met up with my crush (now girlfriend) I asked her to date me at the end of our meetup when the 2 of us were alone and even then I BARELY got the words out of my throat from nervousness. But in the end I did it so maybe it works for others as well.
There is that, but I got to admit I find young love amongst the people here on anilist adorable. It's so cutesy and I love to get involved >:)
do it, ask her out
Even if we don't end up being together, or if she ends up not feeling the same as me, I'm completely fine with it. To me, as long as she's happy, I'm happy, and that's all that really matters.
I really want to be with this person, I just love her so much.
I don't see a lack of confidence so I would say go for it bro ! :D GL
Havent read the entire thing but got the gist of it. I would suggest you to confirm that if she in love or atleast likes you, first. You wouldnt want to end the friendship altogether.
Still I would like you to be direct. Like dont say you are in mad love with her, but do announce, you always had liked her and proceed from there. (Dont fucking smile or laugh like a dolt, or be like as a friend BS either.) Am no girl, but I can tell you, you can save lots of time, feelings and awkwardness if u be direct; for both of you.Anyways last tip would be when you two are alone, (dont, pls dont make situations where you two will be alone, just wait or do it subtly if you two cant seem to be alone anyhow) and when you will be it calling it a day : as in it should be your last conversation for the day.
I dont mind virtual messages (if she is okay), but I would suggest meeting up and then telling it clearly.Hopefully it will be all good and dont be sad if she doesnt feel same for you :) You can have the friendship, which may evolve to being very good friends. You should appreciate that.
yes yes thank you, like i said in the thread, i wanted to pull a miyamura, if you dont know what i meant watch horimiya
but yea overall, i think telling her at the end of the day is probably the best option, bc it gives her time to think about it afterwards, i like that idea thanks so much i appreciate itDo update here my man. I will be keeping an eye here ;) Gd Luck :)
As a woman who has had friends approach me with the "I like you" and been on the awkward receiving end sometimes. Just try to not apply any pressure onto her!
Not all women are the same of course, but I know that my worst fear in that situation is that I will no longer have a friend if I turn him down.
Be honest, your feelings and mental health matter in this. But don't be discouraged if she's not as excited or 'wowed' as some shows play this situation out to be. Relationships are strange and difficult, but no one on this thread knows her better than you!
Go with your gut, and I wish you the best.
beat the dunnies down
ok first of all honestly giving romantic advice on anilist should become a thing. we should have like a support system for this too. i don't mind it at all. let’s go.
now on to the actual advice. i think first of all it would be very healthy to separate things in your head: as much as she made you feel amazing, i think it's dangerous to associate her with peace of mind and with the fading of your depressive/suicidal thoughts. not just because that will be a problem for you but because it's not fair to put this type of responsibility and pressure onto another person, even if you didn't communicate to her that you feel this way. your mental health issues need to be a separate thing from your relationship with her from the start. i'm telling you this from the pov of a person who was still struggling with mental illness when i began dating my only bf. of course she's someone who makes you feel incredibly good, like all your problems could just go away, but that's not a healthy mindset to have because that can lead to co-dependence and all that. so my first advice would be to be very mindful and careful with that.
as to whether you should confess or not. i honestly believe that when you feel so strongly about someone to the point of tears of joy (and like, make no mistake, that's a rare thing to happen), i think there is no way that you won't convey these feelings somehow. you'd have to be like a psycho or something to be able to actually conceal these feelings. she will probably realise that there is something you're not telling her as time progresses because i don't believe you can love someone this much and not transmit this in some shape or form in your behaviour towards her. girls are smart. and if you want to tell her about how you feel so much, i do believe that there is no other answer rather than to tell her. from the way you've put things here, i don't think you're gonna say it in a way that overwhelms her or scares her off (tbh i don't think that happens as often as people claim, especially since you're long time friends).
i think even if she doesn't correspond to your feelings, it'll feel great to know that there is someone who loves you like that. i'm also telling you that from the pov of someone who used to confess to every single crush i had no matter how flimsy it was. everytime i had even the slightest feeling for a friend i would rush to tell them because i didn't want them to think my inevitable behaviour change towards them was something else, and even though i was never once corresponded (i only had one true love, one bf and one husband in life lol) pretty much everyone told me they felt very great, knowing that i liked them. i think this could happen to you, too, especially if you confess your feelings without pressuring her into answering right away or into responding to them in the form of a relationship. are you scared that this confession could ruin your relationship? that's good! first of all because yes, it sucks but it can happen, so it's a "correct" fear to have. but it also shows how much you care and how much thought you're willing to put into this. it's good to be scared of important things, i think, and i think you should also tell her that, if you do decide to tell her your feelings, tell her that you were scared and that you thought to much about it it made you seek out advice from strangers online, lmao. someone told you to show her this thread and i'm not completely against doing that after you confess, if things go well.
tl;dr: separate your feelings for her from your mental issues first, then gather your thoughts and meet her (since it's pandemic time i think you should ask her whether she prefers meeting in person or in a live call or whatever, leave the setting for her to decide, but do tell her that it is an important conversation), and if you tell her things pretty much the way you told us, calmly and honestly, i can't guarantee you'll get the girl but i would bet that she won't reject you as a creep or whatever. so i'd say go for it. love is amazing even when it goes south. it's all about experience in the end.
also PLEASE if you do tell her PLEASE come back to this thread and report on it?
well as far as my mental health is concerned, that was probably too detailed than i expected. i'm not very badly mentally unstable, i'm just lonely a lot of the time, and that makes me sad, and being able to have friends and talk to them, is what makes me happy. i think that's a better way to explain it. I'm also not as suicidal as i said in the post, i just get random thoughts like "how would the people around me feel, if i did commit suicide" or "would anyone really care if i did that", but I, myself, aren't actually suicidal, i put too much emphasis on that part lel.
but yea, i'll definitely make an update when the time comes, let's just hope i don't take a very long time, bc i sometimes am just too indecisive when it comes down to that one moment of me telling her. but i have confidence i can possibly pull through, and i hope she feels the same, and like i said before, if she doesn't, i may be sad about it, but i won't let it affect me too much, bc ive been rejected before. and as long as she is continuing to be happy and on the right track, i'll support her every step of the way
my best friend actually has the picture i was talking about, but i have another picture of me and her together. I don't wanna disrupt her privacy that much, so I ask for the ones that want to see the picture, please don't save it or anything, I know this is the internet and all, but I really don't want something happening to her, on the smallest chance. My face is also in it as well, but i have no problems with showing my face. just let me know, and i'll send you a private message of the photo, just for the purpose of the post.
Yeah I agree with @cosninety - sharing a picture of yourself is your own choice. But don't share someone elses picture on a random anime forum. ^^;
Confess Chris-san! Believe in your amazing self!
Good luck man. I seriously hope you end up together and we get to hear a success story from you soon.
wait is it possible to make an update thread referencing the first one, for the ones that interacted with the first one?
I am not so sure. But I guess create a new thread referencing or linking the previous one. Also how did it go ?
Did you get that W
I have read everything, including the TLDR and this is what i think--
you might not take this seriously as I'm just a 14 year old girl with very little experience in love, but I understand you pretty well, since I have a guy best friend whom I have been friends with for a long time as well
I think you should get a little closer and get in touch with her before telling her, you wouldn't want her to think its very sudden and act like she did the last time. Just do the driving thing and stuff you mentioned and tell her when you feel confident enough to.
Go all in. Jump straight into the frozen lake and tell her how you feel. There are only two possibilities waiting to happen. You will either be the happiest and strongest you've ever been, walking out of he lake... or the worst case will happen: You drown. And the longer you wait, the bigger are the odds of you drowning. So don't waist this oppertunity! You can do this!! I wish you the best bro
Edit: If you success, make sure you tell us! If not, then I'll always be reachable if you wanna talk about it. I'm sure there are many others in this thread, ready to support you too
There are different ways to deal with this. Depending on how you feel comfortable, go with that.
- Go to her, chat a bit, slowly get a serious vibe or just hint her/flirt with her a bit (give her a bit of an idea on what you're trying to do, set up the mood for it first.) When the time comes, or when you think is the right time, confess.
or
- Just straight up confess to her. Make sure you're not hasty or say it out of the blue or suddenly.
Oh, and make sure she knows you're serious about it
Simple, Just confess these feelings you wrote here
I think you should definitely tell her
If it doesn't go well, at least you won't regret not asking her and thinking about what could have been
Like others have said, just go for it
