Every parent at some point in their life will be forced to watch a direct-to-dvd movie of their darling child’s favorite franchise, and don’t laugh at their suffering, chances are you will know this fate as well. You know the ones I’m talking about. Let’s say for this instance: Bionicle: Web of Shadows. The flick gives little if any reason for someone unfamiliar with the franchise to pay exact attention or hold on, a monologue here; a slight explanation of this character there. The parent finds ways to get through this. Some shots are cool. Some fight scenes are pretty great. Even so, this is how these experiences usually end, the parent saying: “Well that was okay. Time to change the channel to what I want now.”

Why do I mention this? Because Kingsglaive is that movie. No matter how much it disguises itself in a gorgeous, enchanting - but hollow veil. This is most evident in how the film itself looks. Kingsglaive to this day, is the most technically beautiful entry into the medium, would you expect any less from Square Enix pumping twenty million dollars into this? It’s simply unfair to compare it to practically anything else in its category. . . but, if you analyze it just a tad more you’ll realize that despite how magnificent the film looks, it doesn’t know how to engage you in that world consistently.

Kingsglaive borrows the aesthetic of Final Fantasy 7, which 7 itself borrowed from Blade Runner. Grim and somehow alive feeling-cities toned with a gentle nocturne palette, characters bathed in shades of onyx with this to only be contrasted by the film’s antagonist faction of Niflheim. What I believe makes Kingsglaive a joy to look at is how Nozue Takeshi, well known for his work on Advent Children, creates a pleasing and thematically potent collocation of vibrant colors contrasting and shining through the almost predestined lens ordering for everything to be black. Pardon any confusion, but what I’m saying is: Kingsglaive is beautiful because its colors exist in contradiction, but also harmony, which is even more fitting considering the themes of - well - not this film but the game which this is meant to be a prequel to, and fails miserably at.

You’ve more than likely read the synopsis so I will gall with details as briefly as possibly, frankly this isn’t as exactly enthralling or complex as Macbeth so don't worry about using all your brain trying to crack into this thing. Two kingdoms, Lucius and Niflheim, have been at war with each other for god-knows how long, Nifleheim uses clankers (one Clone Wars fan will get that reference) and monsters, while Lucius employs the titular Kingsglaive who are basically battle-mage-badasses. The majestically both designed and acted Ardyn Izunia proposes a peace treaty when your typical menagerie of political chess ensues as both sides rush to get tactical advantage over the lands before this treaty can be officially signed.

Sounds cool? You have the right idea, but try more: “satisfactory.” While this idea is awesome on paper and does shine through in some breathtaking action scenes, it makes me wish that, unlikely as this would be, we could get a full, half-budget series that would slow the pacing of movie down a tad, maybe a thirteen episode series if Square would have been so kind, allowing this would have given the audience a chance to get attached to the characters that, guess what? I still can’t remember after watching this movie five times now.

Don’t blame me or yourself after you get done watching it, they’re paper thin at best, it’s as if the writers put more effort into the etymology of their names than developing any traits for us to actually REMEMBER THEIR NAMES! Uh, I guess our main protagonist is cocky, hot-headed and arrogant, and his throughline of learning to be humble is fulfilled by the end of the film by atoning with some sense of martyrdom? The plot is a bloated-corpse but ironically not hard to follow at all from our viewpoints, it’s only difficult to understand because our characters are basically the only look into this, in theory, engaging world, yet our tour-bus driver is a bore.

Soundtrack? What soundtrack? Not a single song is stuck in my head which is frankly disrespectful to the amazing Yoko Shimomura who composed Final Fantasy: XV’s soundtrack. Did Square really not want to bring her along for the ride or at least borrow a few of the masterfully composed tracks from the game, maybe compose some quick three-to-five little notes? Anything would be better than the typical cacophonous, Hollywood-stir that this film claims to be an OST, it will only sound pleasing when characters are in motion and engaging an enemy, nothing you can listen to on your own in the slightest.

To make matters even more dire, these characters have odd dialogue and some pretty awkward scenes together when they’re not kicking the enemy’s ass, which by-the-by is the only time they’re palatable, and looking back on it more it seems that whoever was shooting these action scenes excelled when the battles were at a distance, such as the opening warfare at the beginning of the film, but it becomes a boggled and deranged mess in close-quarters combat, meaning that they’re only cool to look at about half of the time they’re on screen, the rest of the time before the film’s endgame you will be cringing at awkward writing I think they’re mistaking for chemistry?

What’s particularly sad is that the VA’s are doing their best to make this work, I can tell Lena and Aaron tried digging through the scripts as well as motivations to breathe some semblance of life into these pale concepts, these are renowned and high-level talents in this movie, yet in the end they only achieve barely making these voices heard due to being smothered by terrible lines. Characters do have arcs and throughlines in the film indeed, though don’t expect for any of them (besides Nyx just barely) to be fulfilled in a satisfying way. If a death does happen, you will not care.

Perhaps this is just the curse of Kingsglaive being based on a JRPG, which are known to be jumbled messes of metaphysics and fate with shaky stories and some stand out, but most of the time forgotten characters - but hey, it looks pretty, right? Sure. No denying that, but I also cannot deny that there's nothing worth looking at twice. I get an impression that Kingsglaive does not desire to be a work of art on its own, but more so telling the viewer to buy Final Fantasy XV. Hell, it’s even in the title of the film. So, what else is there to say about it? Not much, really.

Should you watch it? When you have two hours to kill on a boring Friday night, but I don’t blame someone for having this on their plan to watch list for years and never actually looking at it. Kingsglaive, despite how beautiful it looks is an afterthought. At its best, it will make you buy Final Fantasy: XV. At its worst? You’ll feel like you’ve just thrown away two hours of your life - and change the channel.