you sound quite lonely and afraid of the world around you, scared of whats to come and never knowing where you're going next. perhaps you will one day learn that there is beauty and joy in the world as it is everyday and you don't need to search for it. open your eyes and you will see the wholeness and purity of the world beyond the confines of your dark reality. something you will one day know and fully understand that life comes with pain and pleasure, but pain is not what we think "pain" to be. it is something more powerful, truthful, and blossoms plentifully beyond basic human comprehension. See this, understand, and you will.